


Radio Silence

by lemonsunrise



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Add Tags As The Story Progresses, Angst, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Closeted Evan Hansen, Confused pining, Evan Centered Angst, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), High School, How Do I Tag, Huge trigger warning, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Going to Hell, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Orchard, Panic Attacks, School Dances, Suicide Attempt, The Orchard, There Is Connor Angst Don't Worry, They Don't Realize They Have A Crush, hopefully happy ending, please stay safe guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-17 18:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16979589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonsunrise/pseuds/lemonsunrise
Summary: ( Major Trigger Warnings, Please Be Careful )Evan struggles as his father resurfaces in his life, and Connor is gradually slipping away. Evan stresses as usual, and Connor smokes in the parking lot. Life continues, and these two oddballs keep turning up in each others lives. ( In which Connor takes his life a few days earlier. )





	1. In Which Connor Takes His Life A Few Days Earlier.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there!! Triggger warning for suicide and the start of a panic attack!! Please comment if you want to!!

_Dear Evan Hansen_

_Today your dad comes home. It's not like anyone invited him, he just decided to drop in. after he left. for all those years. And it's not like your mom's taking it well either. I mean, thats a really unfair statement, he left her, I mean, how would you react? You're a nervous wreck, so who would want to marry you? Anyway. Not that well, I guess. so you can't really judge your mom, which you really weren't doing in the first place, but._

_This is useless. A stupid letter can't make your dad coming home hurt any less._

Evan shut the computer, sighing and burying his head in his hands, a headache already forming. His mom was out, most likely trying to distract herself with work, trying to forget that in less than t-6 days his father would come back. That in less than 144 hours, the man that had left their life so suddenly was coming back to see what he had left behind. It wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair. His father couldn't just waltz out and then expect to be welcomed back.

Oh god. _Did Evan have daddy issues?_

That sounded suspiciously like something jared would say. Not like jared would care about this. But he needed to release some of this shit. And. Jared was his only frie- family friend. Right. The whole car insurance thing. It was pathetic that Evan didn’t have any actually friends to vent to. But who would want to listen to his stupid ass?

_Evan: You up?_

Evan bit his nails and waited anxiously. There was no way Jared would even care about this, but he needed someone to talk to before he burst. Which would happen anyway because you can’t seriously expect a kid who hadn’t seen his father for so long to just be chill and cool with his dad walking back into his life after he had a whole family in Colorado. And had two other kids. Or maybe normal people were completely calm at their biological fathers completely sporadical leap back into their life. Who knew? Not Evan. Haha.

_PUsSYmASteR69: Affirmative._

Evan rolled his eyes. Of course. Jared Kleinman. The only person who would semi put up with him. Was of course immature, and would proudly admit that. But under that, Jared cared. Right? 

_Evan: My dad's coming home. I, dunno._

_PUsSYmASteR69: Don't you have a therapist for shit like this?_

_Evan: You could just say you don't want to talk?? I mean I know we’re not actually friends but_

_PUsSYmASteR69: You've been stressing about this for days, I can't take all this emotional baggage._

_Evan: Whatever._

Evan turned off his phone. Inspiring help from jared, real helpful. Evan glanced around his room, looking for something to release all of this pent up energy. He wasn't strong, he was mediocre at best, so punching something wasn't an option. It was too expensive anyway. No way his mom could pay for a hole in the way or the costs that would come with it. Sighing, he grabbed his headphones and resolved to go for a walk, not yet earning his drivers license. Who could blame him? There were so many rules and the slightest slip up could kill him and and-

Evan made sure to lock the door behind him, though his street was relatively safe he couldn’t risk them being robbed with how much his mom already worked. He plugged in his headphones carefully, not like he would use them, but it was a nice thought in case he got in the mood for music. Hearing was an important part of being cautious, so he barely ever used them, but they were... nice, for lack of a better word. Nice, that’s it. Evan strolled down the driveway, checking both ways repeatedly before he crossed the street. The park where he had worked over the summer was a few blocks walk from where he lived. He could head there without exhausting himself. Stepping onto the sidewalk, his feet finally relieved to be moving somewhere, to release the pent up stress and pulse that was rushing through his body. It was a few days before school would start, which was terrible timing for an impromptu visit from his dad. No timing was really right for a visit from the man who had left them. Maybe he was being too sour, was he? He had left them, hadn’t he? But it was probably his fault- 

The more he thought about this he stressed. Who could really blame him? I mean probably every mentally ok person out there but. Was he supposed to be angry at his father, he wasn’t sure to be happy that he was finally seeing him again.

Too many fucking things. Why was everything so complicated?

As he approached the trees, he saw another figure. He was tall and lanky, and focused on something in his hand. It was late. What would someone be doing out here this late at night? I mean, aside from what was he doing, which in itself was not that valid a reason to be walking around so late but. He inched closer, making sure to not make a sound. He could only imagine the mortification he would endure if he was caught. Thankfully it was dark enough that whoever it was couldn't see him, or was too distracted with something else. Hiding behind a tree, he could hear a sputter and the rattling of something. Then a gulp of water. It must be a jogger, right? It was just a jogger, out for a stroll in a forest that by the light of the moon looked twisted and frighting?? Who was he kidding. The figure slumped down. Ok. This was.... not turning out that good. What the fuck were those words? Breathe Evan. 

Evan tiptoed forward, checking the figure now slumped against a tree.

It was Connor Murphy.  
With an empty bottle of sleeping pills.

Ohgodohgodohgod. What the fuck. WHATTHEFUCK. 

nonononoNONONONO

okay. this looked bad. This looked connor-'threw a printer in second grade'-murphy-slumped-on-the-groud-after-an-overdose-bad.

If someone overdoses they could go into a coma, right?? How could he tell if that was already happening?? What if he killed Connor Murphy with his lack of medical expertise?? Zoe would never like him and he would be put in prison and his mom would work long shifts to pay his bail money but then she would die from overwork and and

Quickly dialing 911, He stuttered and breathed heavily as the phone rung twice. Then someone picked up.

"uhmtheresakidwhojustoverdosedintheparkandIdontknowwhattodohelp-"

The woman on the other side of the phone was unreasonably kind. "Take a deep breath and repeat that please?"

"uhm, at the park on Emerson Street, Uh, a kid overdosed?? I just found him and I um, didn't know until he didituh-"

Good job being calm, Evan. Real fucking good job. Shut up shut up.

He could hear the resolve in the woman's voice. How many calls like these did she get? Had she lost someone to an overdose and was he making her mad?? "We're sending someone over, just. Stay with him. Where in the park are you?"

"Near uh, near uh, the bathroom on the north side??"

"I need you to stay on the line. Can you check if he has a pulse?"

"Yeah, hold on." He pressed his fingers to Connor's neck. He could feel the dull thud of a heartbeat. He was alive. Maybe not for much lon-

He was alive. That's all that mattered. Connor Murphy was alive. Somehow that was now at the top of the priority list for the first time in ever. 

"He has a um, a pulse."

"Ok. Someone should be there, Can you wave your arms?" Evan looked up, seeing the red and blue flash of police lights. He shouted and waved his arms, and through his blurred eyes he could see people find their way to him. He didn't realize until someone was pulling him away that he was still holding onto Connor. Wrapped up in a shock blanket, he was rushed into the ambulance with the still unconscious boy. 

Connor Murphy. Was just a kid. Just a boy. For the first time in forever, Evan Hansen realized that Connor Murphy, the guy who he thought was so different from him, wasn’t really all that odd. He knew the desperation Connor felt, even if Connor wasn’t awake to express it. And suddenly, Evan needed Connor to wake up. Connor Murphy couldn’t die. Not yet.

Everything was moving so quickly, then Connor was rushed away from him, and he was left somewhere. A room where the dull light of the moon peaked in through the closed shade. Slumped on a bed and still wrapped in the blanket he let the tears fall down his face, he couldn't get the image, that damned image of Connor Murphy looking so vulnerable on the ground. He couldn't get the feel of that hoodie that he had help onto for dear life out of his finger tips. He couldn't get that worried voice of the operator out of his head.

Make it stop. make it stop.

Ce _make it stop. Make it STOP._

He was left alone the rest of the night, forgotten about in the wake of Connor. But Heidi Hansen had slipped into the room after Evan had cried himself to sleep. And given him a tight, regretful squeeze, kissing his forehead. Not aware of how that next morning would go, and how Evan's life had been altered drastically by that one walk he took that night.

When Evan woke up, Heidi Hansen was sitting drifted off in the chair next to the hospital bed.

Evan Hansen was lucky to have a mom like her, but with dad gone she was never there. Always working late shifts to support them, never really there when he needed her. But she sure as hell was here now, breathing softly laid out on a dingy hospital chair.

“Mom?”

He reached out his un-casted hand and shook her gently. She turned a little, then slowly sat up and met his eyes. He adverted them quickly. She took a moment to remember where she was, and what had occurred last night. And why her son had slept in a hospital bed.

“God, honey-“

She pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing him as hard as she could, as if he would slip through her fingers like sand. As if he was the one who had overdosed last night.

“That was brave of you, y’know? I’m proud of you for doing that.” Evan cocked his head. What had he done? Walked around in the middle of the night? Screamed when a kid on the verge of death was about to be pulled away from him? He wasn’t the hero in this story. His mom seemed to read his thoughts, because she looked him in the eyes and said,

“You called the police and you saved that kid’s life. He’s.. sleeping. Or so I last heard. But you’re a hero. I know it’s hard to do stuff like this especially for you, but-“

his mom trailed off, not sure what to say next. Not sure how to console and comfort her son, and not sure how to bring him down to earth, because every moment she spent pondering how to reach him, he spun further into his own head.

“Anyway, I’m.. proud of you, honey. You did something... that required a lot of courage, especially from someone like you.” 

Heidi Hansen doesn’t know the best way to reach her son, she doesn’t know how to reach him at all. She was completely and utterly lost at sea. But Evan Hansen wasn’t with her anymore, he had floated out of the hospital room into his own warping thoughts.

“So he’s.. uh, okay?”

Heidi Hansen sighed and looked down, rubbing her forehead. She proceeded lightly.

“When he woke up, he didn’t know who he was or where he was which is common for overdose survivors when they first awaken. I think he’s going to make a full recovery, and I’m going to talk to his family about therapy. He was... unreasonable when he woke up, so no ones allowed to see him yet except the nurses. He’s going to be.. okay. Most people are.”

Evan stood there, looking utterly lost. Taking in the information that he had stressed for and waited for until morning.

“..ok.”

“Okay?”

“Ok.”

“Honey, you’ll be able to talk to him soon if-“

“Ok, mom.”

Evan didn’t look up as his mom rubbed circles into his back.

“I know I’ve said it before but-“

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Heidi looked up with alarm as Evan just kept staring down at his shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the whole hospital.

A woman was standing nervously in the doorway, she had short blonde hair and was smiling nervously, wringing her hands together. She let out a shrill fake laugh before continuing.

“I.. uh hope I didn’t interrupt anything but..  
I’m connors mom. And I just want to say, thank you, what you did for my son and what you did yesterday night.”

Evan tensed. His mind pulsing rapidly. For all the times for Connor Murphy’s mom to enter into the scene, this was not it.

“Uh.. yeah.”

“It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Murphy, I’m Heidi Hansen, your son’s nurse and Evans mom. I don’t think we were properly introduced?”

His mom stood up and shook her hand, them sat down next to Evan again.

“We were uh wondering if.. you would...” she trailed off as footsteps came down the hall, stopping right outside the door.

“Mom, the doctor-”

And then Evan audibly took a breath in because standing right outside his doorway was the sister of the kid he had just saved and also the girl who he had a huge crush on for a very very long time. And Zoe Murphy, hearing the catastrophe that was Evans breathing, peered into the room.

Their eyes locked. And Evan wished he was dead.

“Wait. Aren’t you... Kevin?"

“Um, Evan actually. Evan. Hansen.”

Zoe nodded. 

“You saved.. my brother?”

Evan nodded meekly, trying to remain as small as possible. Ok. Don’t screw this up. It’s only ZOE MURPHY. It’s only the girl you’ve had a crush on forever. Why are you so stressed, huh? Evan let out a small chuckle.

Oh fuck oh no why did he do that. Why the fuck did he do that. But Zoe’s attention wasn’t on him anymore, she was focused on her mom and Heidi Hansen.

“The doctor says she wants to talk to you, mom.” Zoe wasn’t looking at Evan anymore. Cynthia Murphy nodded, and strode towards the door, turning back before she left.

“Um,” she plastered a smile on her face, “just, you know my number, and.. we’ll get in touch?” Heidi nodded, and Zoe left, trailing after her mother, not turning back to look at Evan.

Evan immediately let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. His mom turned to peer at Evan, but he just shook his head.

“You.. know her?”

Evan jumped into hyperdrive, his words becoming all scrambled and tangled in a rush for the to get out of his mouth. “No! I m-mean, uh, sorta. N-Not really. She’s at school. At band. Not like I do band or anythingbut-“

His mom cut him off. “It’s okay Evan, there just seemed to be some weird... air between you two and.”

“It’s fine mom.” Evan looked down, his breath catching. How romantic, this first meeting. Totally how he had planned it out in his head. “I barley know her.” Heidi squeezed Evans shoulder reassuredly. 

“It’s been a stressful 12 hours hasn’t it?” Evan nodded slowly, already falling into his own world where he hadn’t screwed things up with zoey Murphy so fantastically, one where he wasn’t at the hospital and one where Connor hadn’t committed suicide.

One where his anxious ass might get the girl in the end.


	2. In Which A Note Isn’t Written

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! So for every Evan chapter, which will be pretty long, I’m going to be putting in a short Connor chapter to balance it out. It’s just switching povs and stuff like that!!

Connor Murphy wasn’t special. He wasn’t unique or interesting. He wasn’t.. needed. Not needed by his mother who so desperately tried to hold things together. Not needed by his father who had wanted a cardboard cut out son who came prepackaged. And certainly not his sister who’s relationship with him had expired years ago.

This whole note thing was bullshit. Why the fuck would anyone care what he left behind? So they could have a cheesy school assembly?? Raise more fucking money from people who pretended they knew him?

He used to have his fair share of bullies. In middle school he was roughed up regularly. But he learned to put on a scowl. He learned how to punch and defend himself until people were scared to whisper near him. Whatever. He didn’t need any friends anyway. Not after that last one had turned out so bad. 

Shaking his head and pulling his legs up to his chest, he buried his face into his knees. It was 8:07. 

His mom was asleep. His dad was in the basement. And Zoe was who knows where. All he had to do was sneak out the window, and he wouldn’t be found until it was all over. Until he doused down those pills and the thumping in his head drowned out to a quiet whisper. Till he was gone and wrapped up in the sweet warm blanket of death. Until he was so far gone that nothing could reach him, nothing could pull him back.

He opened his window. Ten minutes until everything would be over. Ten minutes until everything would stop. Ten minutes until he’d die. 

Sliding down the roof and carefully jumping off the gutter, Connor Murphy with sleeping pills in hand began to walk towards the park he had grown up in. And the one he’d hopefully die in.


	3. In Which Heidi Hansen Takes A Late Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo!! Have a happy holidays everyone! Kudos and comments are much appreciated :’j

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Two days ago you saved a kid. Not just any kid. Connor Murphy. Who happened to be the very brother of Zoe Murphy the girl you have a teeny tiny crush on. He also died via suicide, (I mean, tried to die? Am I making sense?) Which may be the most embarrassing thing. Not that mental health is bad, but it’s very awkward when you finally go see him. If you finally go see him, you’re still not even sure of that. Did I mention your dad comes in 4 days??_

Evan Hansen was laying on his comforter, sheets bunched beneath him. Not able to get the sight of Connor Murphy out of his mind. Connor with his head that was all matted as they drove in the ambulance. Connor who had scared Evan so hard. Connor who he hasn’t thought about in so long, and now wouldn’t leave his mind. 

There was a small knock at his door, and his mom came in and sat down at the edge of the bed. In close distance to Evan, but far away enough to give him the space he needed.

“Do you want to see Connor?” The question didn’t come as a shock. Connor had calmed down two days ago. He wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital, not until tomorrow. “Today would be the perfect day.” Evan closed his eyes, and screwed them tight, scrunching up the bridge of his nose. 

“I, um, would he, want? To see? Me?”

His mom let out a little sigh.

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, since it’s supposed to be your choice, but he’s.. been asking for you. He didn’t know it was you, exactly, he just knows someone called the police.”

“But, but, won’t he be angry? Like pissed that I intervened oristhatstupid??”

His mom shook her head, a small smile forming on her face despite the circumstances. “I truly don’t think so, honey.”

Evan sat there, dazed and shook for a second. “Can you tell him it’s me? Or would that be stupid and then he can decided if he actually cares enough to Um. Talk. To me.” Heidi Hansen grinned like her son had just told her the best news.

“Of course!! I’ll bring a picture of you, I mean, you’ve been in the same grade but. Yeah, of course!!” Evan nodded along enthusiastically, albeit a little bit lost.

“Ok. Ok. Yeah, that’d be good. Yep.” He tried to smile, but a grimace formed on his lips. She didn’t notice, or didn’t say anything about it, kissing his forehead quickly before standing up, brushing off her pants. “Dumplings in the freezer, money if you want to order. I love you. Bye.”

Evan nodded, smiling at his mom. Both their smiles dropped as Heidi left the room.

She had a bad shift tonight, from 5 pm to 4 am. It wasn’t the worst shift she had worked. She was a nurse in the hospital, and at a very mediocre position. She was easily fired, but her job was rewarding when the night was over, and she rose in ranks semi regularly. 

Opening the front door and closing it quietly, she slipped out into the late August night. The leaves were beginning to turn, the first sure sign that fall was pushing it’s way in again, and that the days were getting shorter. That the darkness was closing in on them even tighter, squeezing them like a python until it would swallow them whole.

Heidi Hansen did not need to think about that. Heidi Hansen had a son who was already sad enough. Heidi Hansen’s optimism was the only thing that kept this boat afloat. Even if she was lying. She needed to keep going. Don’t stop.

She got into the car. It didn’t start at first, but with 5 minutes of pleading and Heidi hitting the dashboard, it stumbled to a steady murmur. They didn’t have enough money as it was. They couldn’t afford a new car.

Downtown was crowded as downtown always was. She showed them her pass and got into the car garage 30 minutes early. She texted Evan and got in the elevator, struck with how normal and repetitive this was. No. She was not going to think about that. She was not going to think about how she was living the same essential day over and over again. The days were getting shorter, she dismayed. Her optimism couldn’t fade out with the summer heat.

She arrived at Connor’s room 10 minutes before her shift started. She knocked, tentatively. There was a slow commotion as voices ceased inside the room, and she was met with the stares of Connor’s entire family, eating dinner around him. They weren’t close. She could tell this by a glance.

The girl, Zoey, right? She sat in the corner a small figure. Her food sat untouched. Mr. Murphy was stiff and commanding, frustration eager in him. He didn’t know how to act around his son. This was a whole new world to him. Mrs. Murphy’s had seemed to construct a pleading attitude. She was sitting the closest to Connor, smiling forcefully, her eyes pleading for her son to give her anything. Anything at all. Heidi got this. She understood this desperation. And Connor Murphy, the center piece of it all was sitting slumped in his hospital bed. Sheets bunched up in a way that reminded her strikingly of Evan. He was drooping, all life, all attempt was gone from his posture.  
Heidi realized she was staring.

“Hey Mr. and Mrs. Murphy!” This sounded forced even for her. “I just came in to tell who... like he was requesting.” Mrs. Murphy clasped her hands together, and Connor looked up slowly. She couldn’t fathom how much of Evan she saw in his face and eyes and glance. 

She continued on.

“I wasn’t going to tell you until I got permission from him, but it was Evan Hansen.”

This made Connor look up, and the closest thing to surprise and recognition flared into his blank eyes. Mrs. Murphy sat up straight.

And then it vanished. “You don’t have to talk to him, just you wanted to know.” Connor nodded. 

“I still want to talk to him.”

Heidi nodded. “Whatever you want to tell him, please just be... nice.” Connor nodded then looked down, seemingly lost in thought.

Zoey let out a snort. Mrs Murphy’s head snapped to turn to look at her. Connor froze and turned to look at his sister.

“Connor? Being nice?” She let out at odd laugh, then collapsed into odd giggles. 

“Zoe!” Mrs. Murphy stood up, but Connor stood up quicker, struggling against the many various tubes plugged into his arm.

“What did you say?” Connors tone was violently calm, eyes flaring and hand bunched into tight fists. Zoe visibly flinched, but stood up until she was eye to eye with her brother. 

“You heard me.” Both of them weren’t backing down, and Heidi felt like she was intruding on some personal problem.

“Zoe! Connor! Please!” Cynthia scampered over to pull the two of them apart. Zoe sat down in her chair still fuming while Connor slumped back, all the fight coming out of him. Cynthia looked completely lost at sea, unable to reach her two children. Heidi fidgeted, and then began hooking Connor up to the tubes again, doing it quickly so she could leave the room sooner and start her shift. 

The whole family was tired and begrudgingly not talking to each other, each in their own separate world as Heidi left to begin her evening shift.


	4. In Which No One Trusts Connor Murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! Double update today!!! Maybe triple if I get dear Evan Hansen tickets and get super hyped and inspired!!
> 
> Me: can’t write long stories, undiagnosed autism/adhd makes me stop and pick up another hyper fixation  
> Also me: ok this is going to be a loooooong fic 
> 
> God I’m so sorry. Merry Crisis

Connor Murphy was sitting, head down, eyes closed. Flaky hospital sheets crinkled around him. On his right sat his sister, who was still fucking mad at him, for some bullshit reason. On his left his father acted like he wasn’t even there. Cynthia was at least trying to talk to him, even if she was so fucking lost on how to reach him. What a perfect nuclear family.

Then the door opened and his nurse stepped in. She surveyed the room with shock, as if she was expecting to be alone with Connor. She was too nice to ask them to leave, like Connor wanted her to. Fuck this place. 

“Hey Mr. and Mrs. Murphy!” Her tone sounded strained. Larry, god fuck him, didn’t look up. Cynthia looked up and smiled. They should make a club for pretending everything was o-fucking-Kay when it wasn’t at all.

“I just came in to tell who... like he was requesting.” Oh yeah. Everyone in his fucking family knew, but Connor couldn’t find out for ‘privacy reasons.’ As if they expected him to go and beat up the innocent bystander who had just happened to take a stroll through the park at night. Suspicious, but who was he to judge? He looked up at her, expectantly. This wasn’t fucking fair.

“I wasn’t going to tell you until I got permission from him, but it was Evan Hansen.”

Oh. Oh fuck no. Oh god not Evan fucking Hansen. Connor could list off hundreds of reasons why it should not have been Evan fucking Hansen to find him. No no no.  
Then he slumped back. It wasn’t that big, was it? At most... he’d just kill himself again. 

“You don’t have to talk to him, just you wanted to know.” The abnormally nice nurse said.

Before Connor could stop himself he burst out, “I still want to talk to him.”

Heidi, that was her name, nodded. Then said something about how he should be nice to Evan. As if she was expecting him to snap any moment. That wasn’t being fair to her, he was her son, it was a perfectly reasonable request. 

And then Zoe, Zoe fucking Murphy had to ruin it. She let out a shrill laugh, then collapsed into oddly placed giggles, finally stopping laughing to catch her breath. she wheezed out “Connor? Being Nice?”

And he was standing up and the tubes were getting taunt and he was standing right in front of Zoe. Because why the fuck would she say that. Why the fuck. And then Zoe was standing up and they were eye to eye and he didn’t want to hurt her. He didn’t want her to flinch when he looked at him and he sat down. 

He was reattached to the tubes.

And he went silent.

He ushered his family out with his glance and a few sharp words, left to think about how fucked up this would be.


	5. In Which Evan and Heidi get Milkshakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!! Sorry for not updating haha I’ve been so tired rjejnwfnns

Dear Evan Hansen 

Today’s the day. Oh god, and even though doctor Sherman says you should always stay positive, you’re positive today will be a bad day. To top it off, dad comes home in three days. Wow, what a good time for everything to happen all at once.

Evan Hansen wasn’t nervous. No, what were you saying? He wasn’t nervous that he would be meeting Connor Murphy the kid he barely even knew, and he wasn’t nervous that Connor had a bad reputation and he certainly wasn’t nervous because his dad was coming home and the clock was ticking until that... man would step off of the plane.

Okay Evan. Breath.

It wasn’t easy. He sat perched in the front seat, hands gripping the sides of the cushion nervously. Heidi, who could see this when she glanced down from the road occasionally, took a hand off the steering wheel and slipped into her sons sweaty hand. And oh god his hands were sweaty and he wouldn’t know what to do with them because what do you do with them and and

Heidi gave him a squeeze. He looked up at her reassuringly, trying his best to not convey how stressed and freaking out he was inside. It didn’t work all too well but. Okay. He’d be okay, right?? He had his anxiety meds on him?? Should he take one before hand to calm him down or 

And oh god they were pulling into the garage and his mom was showing her ID and Evans stomach convulsed and flipped, feeling as if someone had touched him, but the person was someone he really really liked. And then they parked. Heidi didn’t make a move to get out of the car. Neither did Evan.

“I know I’ve already said this, but I’m.. proud of you, Evan. I love you, honey.” 

Evan nodded and clenched his seat tighter. “If you want to go home, we don’t have to do this,” she prompted gently. “I love you either way.” He squeezed his eyes closed tight, and nodded.

“Okay.”

“You want me to take you home.”

“Uh,, Yeah.”

Heidi smiled. “I know it’s stressful with your.. father coming home. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You’re incredibly brave.” Evan nodded and looked down, hands relaxing on the seat.

The car started up on the first try, seemingly noticing the tension inside and not wanting to add to it. They left the parking lot.

They went to McDonald’s, and Heidi got them both a milkshake, sitting in the parking lot drinking it, Evan wondered if he had truly made the right choice. Only time would tell.

But time seemed to betray him lately, seeing his dad would be home so soon. Every day seemed to tick by until his dad would step off that plane and.

He took another sip of his milkshake.  
Breath.

He was sure Connor would understand him not wanting to talk, right? He didn’t have exactly a crystal clear record. He felt sick for thinking that. When was he the person to judge others on their looks, especially when he was a huge fucking colossal screw up? Ok.

“Hey mom, can we um, leave?” Heidi eyed her son in the rear view mirror, looking concerned before seemingly effortlessly starting the car again.

“Of course, honey. I.. love you. I don’t know if I’ve been telling you that enough lately but-“

“You have.” Evan interrupted. 

She just nodded.

“I’m here for you, Evan.”

He nodded. The rest of the car ride wasn’t silent, and the minute they got home, Evan climbed that stairs and collapsed into bed.


End file.
